I have a crazed personality. Manic, in all things. I bubble with positivity and optimism and verve to change the world. I rail against perceived injustice and corruption. I scream at my deficiencies and wail at my faults, insecurities, and shortcomings. I am romantic and cynical. I would flee into the moors and fill my arms with heather while criticizing what an asshole Heathcliff really is and sighing in exasperation at the stupidity of Catherine and all the stuck-in-a-rut rest. I become so involved in debates, so entwined in my emotions, so enthralled with the point/counter-point that I get lost and swept away in the foamy strength of the current of the <i>experience</i> of the debate. I fancy myself open to others' worldviews and lifestyles, yet I appear so judgmental and patronizing.

Perhaps these fevers and passions are at the root of my laziness. When even my depressions are full of energetic self-loathing, something has to offset it.

I accidentally stayed up until 2am finishing <i>A Fault in our Stars</i>. A good novel. A good young adult book. But, having cancer does not mean the thoughts presented are unique to the diagnosed nor does that situation make it more profound. No one knows when they're going to die; the terminally ill actually have a better sense of their finality. Their clock is sped up more than others. They know the how of their death. But it's still a crapshoot. In that, we are all the same; we just aren't constantly reminded of that fact everyday. And that is one of the most horrible sources of pain besides the physical. Perhaps that is why the book is so popular. Tragic and relatable. I can hear people now, though, saying, "Forget you! You know nothing of what you speak, because you have never experienced it." Perhaps true. I have no rebuttal and still draw the same conclusions. These are only a part of my thoughts of the book.

I am reading much more this summer than I have been in a while. It's nice.
I have not done as much work as I should have.
I want to burn all of my school work to tiny ashes and give up on the whole thing to move onto my next step in life.
I have no clue where I should go. There is no path, only forest. I will need to push back branches, step carefully, and watch the trees to move forward.
I still need to find the meaning to my life. Answer the question: What is it I truly want? And then plan accordingly.

I never know how to end these posts. I feel as though I should have some sort of sign-off. Until I craft my own, I will borrow from a modern philosopher:
Goodnight, Night Vale. Goodnight.

It's chilly, rainy, and blustery.  Rain falls.  Wind blows.  The four elements are gathered around a fifth; a fifth element.  Wait.  No.  It's just winter weather, not the end of the world.  :)  And I love it! 

We put the tree up today in the living room.  Tomorrow we'll deck the halls with garlands and light up the tree with amber and multi-colored strings.  And I'll need to wrap presents, get them ready for shipping, and design my holiday cards.  I almost think that I'll get presents to people around Christmas day instead of Epiphany. 

The family went out this evening and saw The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. ( Cut for possible spoilersCollapse )

and so now I can think about Christmas shopping and decorating.  And my presents will have to be received within the season, rather than on/near the day.  I have until Epiphany!

Just got back home from a weekend working Journey.  I am tired. There was talks of a morning hike tomorrow with a bunch of other grad students.  I think I will have to make it a personal hike and cross out the "morning" part.  :P

I want to see The Hobbit.  I'm very excited for it.  I do think that Martin Freeman will do Bilbo justice.  I think that Peter Jackson loves the source material and will try to stand by it as much as he can.  And he's already proven to me that his visual style appeals to me.  :)  I actually finished The Hobbit (as opposed to the Lord of the Rings, which I couldn't quite start no matter how many times I tried.  Although . . . I've been thinking about trying again some time soon).

I need to make a "Would Like to Do" list for the break.  I continue to feel as though there is something that I need to do that is just on the tip of my brain and I can't quite grasp it.

*does a happy dance*  One in class final tomorrow, and then filming myself telling a story in ASL, and then I'm done with this semester.  Yay!

Not quite in the Christmas mood yet, but I'm getting there.  I think a bout of baking and gift wrapping with some Christmas music may help.  I'll have that day soon, but . . .
I'm working Journey this weekend.  I worked a half-shift tonight.  The audience is so polite with little attitude, so selling them merchandise is quite easy.  No yelling!  No pushing!  People letting others go first!  It's amazing.

I'm feeling good right now.  And I'm going to ride this high-wave.  I've still been roller-coastering emotionally with more dips than highs.  Working to keep myself out of the deep troughs and only stick with the normal depth ones.

I've been invited to go bowling tomorrow.  I think I'm going to go as a mini/full-size celebration of the end of the semester.  :)

Hoo boy! I was so sick last week. The couch and me were great friends for a couple of days. When I finally had enough energy to, y'know, get up, I was still pretty low energy. In fact, my throat is still kinda sore and my nose is still running.

I saw John Carter last night on Netflix with the family. I don't know what everyone was complaining about. It was definitely playing along with stereotypes and reinforcing patriarchal norms - so bad there - and the lead was very boring - I remember Carter being smarter than that. But as a fun and fluffy action adventure, it was fairly good. And some of the other characters were snarky and fun to watch. Woola the frog dog, Kantos Khan the snark, Tars Tarkus the dad - all good. It wasn't the filth they made it out to be.  So don't avoid this film, but the books are much better. The series starts with Princess of Mars, because she actually I the most important character in the plot. Just don't expect to much equality in terms of gender roles from the books either. They're a product of their times.

Thanksgiving is almost here. This means it's almost my birthday. 0.o. This also means I'll be making stuffed pumpkin. Mmmmmm . . . And possibly mushroom pie. And probably the turkey. Since Mum will be opening Wicked, setting up to feed the homeless, and managing a basketball game and the cousins are AWOL, I'll be handling the whole Thanksgiving thing. then we'll be seeing Wicked that night. :). It will be a nontraditional Thanksgiving this year. Let's see how it goes.  UPDATE: One of the cousins called.  She's moving on January 2 to another port of call because when the military says move, you do.  It's just to California right now, so I'm not worried.  But, she might not be back to the islands for a long time.  So, she wants Thanksgiving together to see everyone.  But, she won't be available until 5pm.  Wicked is at 7.  I've already bought all of the supplies.  -_-  Love her, but gah!  So, we're going over for dessert and conversation and then skedaddling.  Yep, a nontraditional Thanksgiving.  But hey! at least we're going to be seeing family.  And that's what Thanksgiving is about!!

Halloween did not turn out exactly how I had planned. I had thought that I would leave directly from class, catch the express home, work on my 'ripped face' makeup, finish up the decorations in our Hallway O' Doom, and give out candy while working on homework.

The spirits were against that though. A massive accident caused traffic to be backed up for miles on the freeway and all the back roads were clogged by people avoiding the freeway. I don't know exactly what the accident was, but it involved a container truck jumping the median and a burned out (as in black and flame-y) engine. I don't think anyone was hurt, thank goodness, but it meant that to drive home it took about three hours. Bus would probably have been longer.

Thankfully, Dad and Didi were on the two side of the Island and offered me a ride after we loaded up some set items from DH theatre. After a squishy ride to the theatre (there were four of us in the cab of a truck XD), we didn't get home until 9. :( Mum all alone that whole time, no more trick-or-treaters, and no Halloween dress up besides a black and orange outfit and seasonal makeup (black lips and orange eyes - fun!). Oh well. Didn't even get to dance under the moon.

It just means I'm still in a Halloweeny mood. Scary stories, music, and candy for all!

Last night I had a dream that I was working at Mum's establishment, dressed like hipster Avril Lavigne, and dating Callum from Masterchef Australia season 2 who was also working there.  The entirety of the dream was going to work together in the morning.  

I was very content in the dream, but still.  What the what?

for the entire world, it seems.  At least, everyone that I know has been rather busy and somewhat stressed by everything that has been happening.  I hope that everyone else can relax a bit, or at least distract themselves.

This Friday was MissVamp Hawaii 2012.  Tiki T. won last year, so she performed in this one (an aria called "Arria mi bella") to pass on the crown.  Arthur's girl won, which was no surprise.  Not only does he pick the ones with the most potential, he also styles them in a much classier way than the rest.  Really, one black corset with garters looks just like the next one even if you add a couple of chains.  Teased strawberry blond hair with nearly-completely-tulle be-flowered dress makes an impact.  Also, when doing a Q&A, keep the answers short and don't explain your jokes.  >_<  Aiya, MissVamp contestants - a 'where' question should not be answered with a time or a description of your "victims".  It should be answered by a location.  Well, Sis and I had fun critiquing the good and the bad.  Then, the whole group went out to J.J. Dolan's for some fantastic thin crust pizza.
Tiki's accompanist is wonderful.  He has such great ideas about his music, and can play everything.  Seriously, from nose flute to guitar to didgeridoo to piano. He wants to become a teacher and he should be.  He holds an unshakeable belief that with the proper training, which is simple guidelines and "little tricks" instead of formal, hours-upon-ends practices and processes, anyone can play music in an impressive way.  And he wants to encourage that in everyone.  Beautiful to see that optimism still exists in the world. :D

And Saturday, I saw Hotel Transylvania in lieu of Cake Night.  Alfie was feeling unwell, so we couldn't be hosted at his place.  And no one else stepped up to the plate (with the state of our house, we can't host -- a fact I am somewhat sad about).  So, we went out for lunch and saw the movie. 

It began at a frenetic pace.  There were no pauses between the one-liner jokes and I nearly went into an epileptic fit.  The pace remained high energy the entire way through and you just need to adjust for it and not think very long about anything.  I laughed inappropriately long and loud at the sheep joke (*sporfle*  It's still funny to me!) to the point that people in the audience were laughing because I was laughing.  This happens often enough in movies that I am undisturbed, though. 
I will say that the movie has a nice mix of some "parent" jokes and mostly "kid" jokes, so the whole family can go to it.  However, the overall message about love is horrible.  You only have one moment of True Love in your life, your zing, and once you feel that with someone, you must get married instantly.  And if you zing and He doesn't, then you have no more chances for romantic love in your life and all of those dreams that you had about traveling and going out on your own don't mean a thing, because you've lost your chance for a zing.  No self-actualization without a man to come along with it, apparently.  Oh, and if your SO dies, you can never have another person to love in your life -- single forever after!  Mrph.  >:(  Yeah . . .  we ripped that apart as part of our, um, several hours long conversation that happened afterwards. 
Well, the conversation is the main part of Cake Night anyway, so Mission Accomplished!  :D

Now, I must accomplish homework, my slow trudging through my thesis (which really is only research right now :\), and maybe organizing my closet.

First off I'm still not sure about my thesis project. But at least I know conceptually what I'm researching and some of the people who I'll be talking to. I should e-mail those people. I think I may end up talking about the OWS movement again. What is it with me and this movement?

Sad face at my school again. Lunch was a "stake and chicken combo" :( Apparently they're trying to keep our campus vampire-free. I'm starved for intellectual yet pop culture savvy conversation.   (By the way, I finally watched the third episode of BBC Sherlock. It made me love John Watson EVEN MORE - how is that even possible?  And I am perplexed by who they decided to give power to in this episode especially but also in all three of this series. Hound of the Baskervilles is my favorite, because Holmes did some growing up and socialization, and it was paranormal enough just like the story.)

The situation with my grandma has gotten both less demanding and more complicated. And everyone is feeling slightly guilty but recognizing that it's all for the best. She'll be cared for properly and the nurses are on call 24/7. She won't have the stress of the erratic personality of her previous caregiver (ha! That name does not describe what she was doing). But still, a little guilty.

Aaaaand I'm going through a bit of an existential-what-am-I-doing-with-my-life period at the moment. When I finish my masters, what's next? Where will my fulfilling job be? Will I have a fulfilling job? Will I make the connections that will allow that? Will I finally just do my gap year and travel and work my way across parts of the world: Japan, SE Asia, Russia, Prague, Middle East, Europe, home? But I'm tired of traveling by myself and no one wants to come with me. Surrounded by homebodies or they're settled in their place in life right now. Love them, don't get me wrong. But I've got the itch that takes me away.

Y'know, I couldn't ever get the hang of journaling either. I don't know why I thought blogging would be a good idea.

I was so proud of dinner last night. I made everything from scratch! It was Italian meatball soup with oregano and basil focaccia bread. The oregano and basil were from our garden and the rosemary was *ahem* garnered from a neighbors huge bush. Also, the broth that I used, I had made a couple of months ago and then froze. It was tasty!

I think that this was to make up for dinner on( MondayCollapse )

Also, I have been led on a rollercoaster ride of emotions by my potential Australia internship. The director of the centre I'm looking at continues to delay responding just long enough for me to get disheartened and give up, then boop! an e-mail saying it'll probably still be possible. Yay, I'm going to Australia! No wait, the process is taking too long; I won't be able to fulfill my practicum requirements. Wait, he's got the ball rolling and they're talking to me. I can go! Argh, it's been nearly a week since he's said anything, maybe it won't go through. Oop no, the visa process took 30 seconds not two weeks like they said; woohoo! Wait, Australian regulations might be changing in July, so something might not work. Yes, it'll work; there's a loophole. . . . Maybe. *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* So, Australia? Maybe. I might be buying a ticket two days before I fly out. -_-